The Unknown

I thought you understood. That's what you told me. That you understood the pain, the suffering. You healed me but when you left, you left with me with a bigger whole than the last one. I thought I couldn't endure more pain, but I was wrong. It feels empty, but the pain remains. I thought it would disappear when time passed, but it only seems to grow stronger. Sometimes it feels like someones suffocating me. And it's like I've lost myself. I can't don't even now which day it is anymore. I don't like to feel like my control is slipping. It tears me apart even more than before, if that's even possible.
Each time I look outside it feels like someones watching me, and everytime I hope it's you. But everytime I get disappointed and my heart is ripped away from my body. Sometimes I can almost see it, lying on the floor, pulsing, getting weaker and weaker until it's still, and then I know that you won't ever come back. But than it happens all over again, a tiny bit of hope sparks in me, my stomachs flutters in excitment, only to get even more pain. Each day the pain increases and all I can do is to watch myself slip away, becoming nothing. Like thin air. I can barely eat anymore and my skin has a ghost white color to it. It's like I'm a walking dead person, and to be honest, it scares the hell out of me. If only I could find the strenght to fight this, to have something to fight for. I've almost lost everything I loved and sometimes I keep wondering if someone would care if I wouldn't be around anymore. It feels like I could fade into nothing and no one would care. And that hurts me. Like someones stabbing a knife in me, over and over again.
And in the nights... The nightmares that hunts me. I can see you leaving me if it was happening that moment. The moments I push away in daylight hunts me at night. The ear pearcing screams that fills the night keeps me sleepless for days. And when I finally sleep again, those memories keeps coming back, mocking me for the one great thing I ever had. I always knew he was to good for me but I still hoped he wouldn't notice that. I know, it's really selfish but I couldn't help myself and I feel the guilt grabbing me everyday for keeping him away from happiness for such a long time. I don't know how long I have left, but in the state I'm in righ know, it's a matter of time before I close my eyes for the last time. I keep waiting for the blackness to embrace me but it never happens. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserv this. I've tried to live a good life, always being nice, but I must have done something wrong, 'cause I don't think anyone deserves this kind of pain. And I hope everyday for the unknown come and whisk me away.

Hade inget att göra så jag skrev det här och jag har faktiskt ingen aning om vad det ska handla om. Kanske kan jag använda den till någon av mina böcker :)


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